What Do I Wish I Had Understood?

What Do I Wish I Had Understood?

I believe in the thinking that we become different people over the course of our lifetimes – different versions of ourselves. I am not the same Sara as I was in my 20s or even my 30s. I’ve had to say goodbye – and also get to know – at least half a dozen Saras over the course of my lifetime. And the truth is, I really miss some of them. Looking back, I can see versions of myself that were much more confident, brave, and spontaneous than the version I am now. But also less wise.

It’s a bit like the evolution of a landscape painting, where each layer of paint or change in light reflects a different stage in the process. I wish I had understood that the version of myself that I was at any particular moment in my life was precious, was fleeting, and was the perfect expression of my being for that place and time in which I occupied. I wish I had understood that getting to know, and honoring this fluidity would open up so much more grace and self-acceptance. I wish I had understood that I would look back at every stage with gratitude to the disorganized, plucky, and resilient person that I see there.

Paintings are sort of like that – strange time capsules of ideas and perspectives that are likely different now. They hold space for the grace that comes with knowing where and who we have been. At least, I believe so. Just like a landscape captures a fleeting moment – perhaps the last light of day touching a distant mountain range – paintings reflect the journey of the artist as well.

I painted a family of siblings last year, and I think of them often as they appear to me, frozen in time, forever young in a fleeting moment of childhood. This is our human experience. Forever moving through a river of fleeting moments. Those children will grow, age, and be able to honor all the different versions of themselves. And that is beautiful to me – much like how a landscape changes with the seasons, constantly evolving yet always holding its own kind of beauty.

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